Valerian & the City of 1000 Planets - Movie Review

Starring Dane DeHaan, Cara Delevingne, Clive Owen, Ethan Hawke, Rihanna, Herbie Hancock, Kris Wu, Sam Spruell, Rutger Hauer and John Goodman.
Written & Directed by Luc Besson.

★★½

The director of The Fifth Element gets even more crazy in this visually wonderful, narratively clunky movie that goes to some weird corners of the galaxy to tell its unique tale. In many ways, I admire some of the original avenues it wanders down, though ultimately its shallow story and questionable casting prevents it from being a hit.

I'm debating whether or not to even explain the plot. The plot doesn't really matter. We see an alien homeworld where everything is peaceful, like the Na'vi on a beach. Then a space battle above results in ships crashing into their ocean, on to their shores. Most of them are wiped out. That's the prologue. We cut to Valerian and Lauraline, a boyfriend-girlfriend unit where he also outranks her, and they're basically space cops. Eh, it doesn't matter. It's an excuse to go from world to world, retrieving a Macguffin to save the universe. Something like that.

The fun parts are the detours. Ethan Hawke popping up as some sort of space pimp, introducing Valerian to a shape-shifting erotic dancer whose favorite form happens to look just like Rihanna. There's another scene where Lauraline gets stuck in the cosmic kitchen from hell. There's a dimension-hopping chase scene. This is a video game I want to play.

Dane DeHaan is usually best as creeps. He doesn't have the Young Indiana Jones charisma the role of Valerian would call for. Let's just say Cara Delevingne as Lauraline fares better here than she did as Enchantress in Suicide Squad. There's not much chemistry between them, and I would have been cool with Valerian getting killed off halfway through and letting Lauraline finishing the adventure herself. I should be rooting for these two like Han and Leia, or Wesley and Buttercup, or Clark and Lois. Didn't really care.

If you missed it on the big screen, and you still want to see it, see on the largest TV or monitor you can. Otherwise you'd miss its point of existing.

Shadow Dancer - DVD Review

Starring Clive Owen, Andrea Riseborough, Gillian Anderson, Aiden Gillam and Domhall Gleeson.  
Directed by James Marsh. 

★★½

Well-acted but morose tale of an IRA fighter forced by British police to serve as mole and betray her comrades planning a terrorist attack.  Andrea Riseborough, perhaps best known currently as Tom Cruise's "wife" in Oblivion, gives Mirielle Enos a run for her money in how to remain interesting while glumly staring into space. And I get a kick out of seeing Game of Thrones alum pop up anywhere else. In this case, Aiden Gillam (Petyr Baelish) is the boss of her IRA group.

You have to be in the right mood for it, as it doesn't really break new ground.

Killer Elite - DVD Review

★★

Starring Jason Statham, Clive Owen, Robert DeNiro, Dominic Purcell, Aden Young, Yvonne Strahovski, Ben Mendelsohn and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje.
Directed by Gary McKendry.

Jason Statham plays an expert assassin brought out of retirement who must kill a group of war criminals in exchange for the life of his mentor/friend (Robert DeNiro). But an ex-SAS agent (Clive Owen) is on his trail to stop him.

Thoughts I had through the movie:

"Jason Statham was born to play characters named Danny."

"Don't know who this guy is they've tied to the chair, but to me, he's the British Daniel Baldwin."

"Alkaseltzer Akawaka-Ajablahblah would probably have a more successful movie career if he'd use a more pronouncable name. I've seen it spelled out dozens of times and can never remember it. He was cool as Eko on Lost."

"Nice to see Yvonne Strahovski getting work outside of the Chuck universe."

"Wait a minute, that guy with the long hair and mutton chops is the guy from Prison Break! Wow, he looks different. Good for him."

"Why is this being lit like it's a sequel to Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever?"

"Clive Owen's mustache looked silly in the trailer, but it's actually working for me here."

"This setup is very similar to Munich, but these two movies are worlds apart. Which makes me wonder if this movie would be leagues better if Spielberg had directed it."

"Very cool car-chase sequence marred by one guy on the team doing two very stupid things in a row. One, okay. Two? How did he wind up on the team?"

"Gotta love it when movies pretend to be over at the 80-minute mark. Who they foolin'?"

"100-minute mark. Really ready for this muddled movie to be over."

"I wonder how much DeNiro was paid for what looks like about a week of work. More of an extended cameo than a supporting role."

"Ugh, Statham actually had to say 'You just don't get it, do you?' to someone."