I am the perfect candidate to cover any and all sasquatch-wrangling duties. I lived in the Northwest for a time, where its family roamed, even shook hands with one upon occasion. (We bonded over how poorly they’d been depicted in Harry & the Hendersons.) I have reviewed your requirements and can answer each.
- I have two rats, two dogs, and eight children, so I am proficient at feeding live creatures.
- I also have plenty of experience at cleaning cages. (See previous sentence.)
- Who doesn’t love a walk through the forest?
- I can comb anything out of any place. (See three sentences ago.)
- I own THREE snow-scrapers.
I am also a daily-challenge relisher, a short-time-frame project-driver, and I’ve been known to show pictures of my girl back home right before gunfights. Oh, and I’m always three days away from pension.
As to the right-hand column requirements:
- I have worn night-vision goggles before.
- Is identifying an M-16 blindfolded and underwater close enough?
- I have mad written and furious verbal communication skills.
- I did P90X about a year ago and came up with a killer body and play tackle football every Saturday on the MVHS practice field with a bunch of guys ten years younger than me. (Join us if you wish; we usually start around 12:30.) So I’d have no fear in a bar fight, despite my killer body going to complete goo in the past four months.
- Can drive stick.
- MicroSoft Suite is my prison wife.
- Can play harmonica, but only songs I wrote myself. They sound great blindfolded and underwater.
- I actually did win the gold-looking medal in the steeplechase. It looks suspiciously like a James Garfield $1 coin, but they tell me it counts.
Your perks and benefits sound awesome.
I have attached my resume. I hope I have made it sufficiently boring in case the person reading it is wearing a tie.
And tell Joel I said “Hi.” Then add something after the “Hi” he finds so hilarious, he wipes a tear and then talks about missing me.