Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Sasquatch Wrangler

I came across this job posting for Executive Senior Vice Director of Sasquatch Wrangling, so I applied. (Plus I know a couple guys at their company.)

Action Team,

I am the perfect candidate to cover any and all sasquatch-wrangling duties.  I lived in the Northwest for a time, where its family roamed, even shook hands with one upon occasion.  (We bonded over how poorly they’d been depicted in Harry & the Hendersons.)  I have reviewed your requirements and can answer each.

-          I have two rats, two dogs, and eight children, so I am proficient at feeding live creatures.

-          I also have plenty of experience at cleaning cages. (See previous sentence.)

-          Who doesn’t love a walk through the forest?

-          I can comb anything out of any place. (See three sentences ago.)

-          I own THREE snow-scrapers.

I am also a daily-challenge relisher, a short-time-frame project-driver, and I’ve been known to show pictures of my girl back home right before gunfights.  Oh, and I’m always three days away from pension.

As to the right-hand column requirements:

-          I have worn night-vision goggles before.

-          Is identifying an M-16 blindfolded and underwater close enough?

-          I have mad written and furious verbal communication skills.

-          I did P90X about a year ago and came up with a killer body and play tackle football every Saturday on the MVHS practice field with a bunch of guys ten years younger than me. (Join us if you wish; we usually start around 12:30.)  So I’d have no fear in a bar fight, despite my killer body going to complete goo in the past four months.

-          Can drive stick.

-          MicroSoft Suite is my prison wife.

-          Can play harmonica, but only songs I wrote myself.  They sound great blindfolded and underwater.

-          I actually did win the gold-looking medal in the steeplechase.  It looks suspiciously like a James Garfield $1 coin, but they tell me it counts.

Your perks and benefits sound awesome.

I have attached my resume.  I hope I have made it sufficiently boring in case the person reading it is wearing a tie.

And tell Joel I said “Hi.” Then add something after the “Hi” he finds so hilarious, he wipes a tear and then talks about missing me.

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